Practical Magic for Soul Liberation

I have a lot to say...

The Unravelling (Or Phoenix Rising)

The unravelling
In the midst of the unravelling, on a relatively good day.  Smiling was hard.

I wrote this piece for my Telling True Stories Course and it was pretty freaking hard.  Once I convinced myself that I was just writing it for me, and nobody but the teacher and the other students in the class would see it, the writing came easier.  After I was done, and despite being completely terrified at the thought of someone else reading this, I knew I had to share it.  After all, that's why I'm taking this course...to practice being vulnerable and authentic, 'brave and afraid', because I've reached a point in my life where I just can't tolerate being anything else.

When I asked my husband if he minded that I share this with you, as always, he was supportive, even though this is as much about him as it is about me.  This piece reflects a period in my life when I honestly never thought I'd feel alive again.  Turns out, I was wrong......

She remembers standing in the entrance way, feeling like she was about to burst into flame and melt into the floor.  He was getting their baby daughter dressed, of course.  Because he was always the fucking hero.  The complete collapse of his world, only seemed to make him stronger.  It seemed to give him more resolve, more patience, and more courage.

She was just the one who bared witness to it all.  The really bad things never actually happened ‘to’ her, they happened in her sphere, which everyone knows, is not the same thing. 

She wasn’t the one who was brutally attacked in the parking lot, after stopping for an innocent drink on the way home from the birthday party.  Yes she was there, and she tried with all her might to stop it from happening, but her face still looked the same.  Once her bruises healed, she didn’t have to step out into the world bearing the physical scars of what had happened.  She faced them every day, but at least not in the mirror.  That was his burden to carry.  So naturally, it should have been him who couldn’t cope. 

She wasn’t the one who delivered the eulogy at his 53 year old mother’s funeral, with unhealed scars and half a nose.  She was just there, holding his hand and loving his family. 

She wasn’t the one whose dear friend had hit a rock cut and died, only a few months prior.  She just sat next to him, as he grieved in the church and at home. 

She wasn’t the one who endured endless surgeries and treatments to reconstruct her face.  She just rested for 6 weeks in the hospital before their son could be brought safely into the world, they hoped.

She wasn’t the one who walked out of the bush with a 6 inch gaping wound in her leg, carrying her son to his mother.  No, she wasn’t the one, gushing blood, who insisted on driving herself to the rural hospital.  She just waited with the babies, for someone to call her and tell her how he was. 

She wasn’t the one who ended up back in the hospital with a life threatening infection, two weeks after their daughter was born.  She just stayed home, and tended to the children by herself. 

So, what right did she have to be feeling this way?  What right did she have to be the one to fall apart?

Sure, she kept moving and smiling and caring for babies in the womb and in the world, attempting to maintain some semblance of normalcy, as the bombs dropped one by one.  She kept standing, and cleaning the house, and talking to friends, and going to work, and comforting him, even as she simultaneously witnessed her own family slowly rotting from the inside out, a result of self-inflicted wounds. 

Because really, what else could she do?  None of this was happening directly to her, so how fucking dare she have the gall to be the one to come undone?

At least, she had the decency to wait a while.  She made sure he was really o.k., before she allowed the unravelling to happen.  But once it started, she couldn’t reel it in.  She had never had the experience of being completely powerless over her body and mind before.  It was terrifying.

She never meant for it to turn into yet another ordeal.  That was the last thing they needed - another goddamn ordeal.  She never meant to be off work for a year, unable to even look after their children like a proper mother.  She never meant to have to rely on him, or on anyone else, to look after her, or hold her together.  She never meant to have one unbearable situation, turn into another.  She honestly never meant it. 

But when a dam bursts, there isn’t much you can do, until all the water runs out. 

The unravelling, left her in a formless heap.  She lay in waiting, for someone to come and shape her into whatever she was to become.  She hoped it would resemble something human.  The ones who came, or hung around during the process, didn’t really know how to help when it was over.  They did their best, but when a person has never truly come unravelled before, how can they possibly know what it takes, to fix it?

In the end, she realized that if, and what she became, was up to her alone.  So she decided to be a phoenix, and set about the arduous business of re-shaping herself.

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Comments   

+1 #15 Andi 2016-02-25 21:08
Raw emotion, beautifully shared. To let others in on this very personal story is so brave. Clearly the love you and Sean have for each other is built on a strong foundation of support, understanding and
trust.
Well done Lara!
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0 #14 Lara 2016-02-25 09:34
Quoting Jody:
Wow that took a lot of courage. Thanks for sharing.
So many feel they are alone. No so much now.

Thank you for reading and[censored]me nting Jody. That also takes courage. That is exactly my hope, for people to feel less alone.
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+1 #13 Jody 2016-02-24 19:07
Wow that took a lot of courage. Thanks for sharing.
So many feel they are alone. No so much now.
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0 #12 Lara 2016-02-24 14:53
Quoting The Old Man:
Never would have believed I could love and respect you more than I already did but this has made me realize I wasn't even close.
The courage to[censored]e out with this story is totally unreal,I loved you so much for standing by Sean through everything that happened but never gave enough thought to what you were going through along with him.i knew the reason for "Dragons at My Door" but never gave enough thought to how you were so responsible for keeping them at bay.
You have a place in my heart that will forever be yours,I love and respect you beyond words.


A little choked up over here ;-) Thank you so much. xo
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0 #11 Lara 2016-02-24 14:52
Quoting Lise:
Very real to me. Thank you so much for sharing. It took a lot of courage but I am certain that it was quite liberating for both of you.

Lise, thank you for reading and for these kind words. :-)
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+1 #10 The Old Man 2016-02-24 12:45
Never would have believed I could love and respect you more than I already did but this has made me realize I wasn't even close.
The courage to[censored]e out with this story is totally unreal,I loved you so much for standing by Sean through everything that happened but never gave enough thought to what you were going through along with him.i knew the reason for "Dragons at My Door" but never gave enough thought to how you were so responsible for keeping them at bay.
You have a place in my heart that will forever be yours,I love and respect you beyond words.
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+1 #9 Lise 2016-02-24 11:02
Very real to me. Thank you so much for sharing. It took a lot of courage but I am certain that it was quite liberating for both of you.
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0 #8 Lara 2016-02-24 10:57
Quoting john and estelle:
This is one powerful story Lara. We have no words. It took a lot of courage to share this but in doing so you have reached out and will help a lot of people. We are both very proud of you.

I[censored]n't tell you how much I appreciate your support. I'm starting to learn that courage is ultimately what gets us to the light when we are going through tough times. It's not about being fearless, b[censored]use I don't think that's even possible, it's about being [censored]red as hell and doing it anyway. I do hope this helps even one person, I know sharing it has already helped me :) xo
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0 #7 Lara 2016-02-24 10:53
Quoting Tina:
wow.... I think it's harder to see someone you love go through things. Obviously being the kind thoughtful person you are it hit you hard. I feel I[censored]n handle going through things but don't like to see others suffer. You're a strong woman and have a strong husband. Kindred spirits I think. Great share.... a good reminder we're not alone. Everyone goes through rough times.

Takes one to know one Tina! Thanks for this. That's my hope, that the sharing lets people know they're not alone.
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0 #6 Lara 2016-02-24 10:49
Quoting Brenda:
deeply moving Lara...and very brave and generous of you to share...

Thank you for saying so Brenda! I so appreciate it.
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