Sometimes I’m Tired of Butterfly Soup
You know how when caterpillars turn into butterflies they go through a kind of mind blowing, perplexing process of transformation called metamorphosis? Yeah.
And you know how somewhere in the middle of that process, the caterpillar is no longer a caterpillar, nor is she yet an actual butterfly? Yeah.
And you know how when the neither-caterpillar-nor-butterfly is inside her cocoon she is just a big goopy, jumbled mess of Butterfly Soup that’s waiting to become a fully formed butterfly? Yeah.
Well, sometimes I get tired of Butterfly Soup.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like if I have to choke back one more morsel of it, I’m gonna hurl. But despite the nausea, I keep going back for more.
I know! It’s messed up.
It’s kind of like those Chili Heads who can’t stop eating hotter and hotter peppers, even though it burns the hell out of their mucus membranes and makes them sweat profusely and the whole time they're grinning ear to ear from the chili high. Messed. Up!
Butterfly Soup is like that for me, so I get it. But just like I’m sure Chili Heads need a break from the heat every once in awhile, you know, to let their insides recover, I sometimes feel like I need a break from Butterfly Soup… to let my insides recover too.
Sooo much change. Soooo much transformation. Soooo much uncertainty. Soooo much awareness that the journey isn’t quite over yet. Sooooo much fucking Butterfly Soup!
“But Lara,” you might say, “Butterfly Soup can be good! Transformation is a beautiful, powerful, magical process.”
Listen sisters and brothers, I’m ALL about letting go, accepting what is, staying calm and (reasonably) composed during the chaos. I’m all about going for it. I’m all about facing what scares us, following our soul’s calling and embracing change.
With all due respect, I wrote those damn words! I recite them all the time. So, you don’t need to go all philosophical, new age (gawd I hate that term) mystic, or witchy wise woman on my ass. That’s my shtick! I KNOW the score.
I’ve seen enough Butterfly Soup to know that resisting the process is futile, and that something awesome is almost always on the other side, if we allow it.
But sometimes, a girl just needs a little break from Butterfly Soup. A teeny tiny break from all the life lessons, all the upheaval, all the transformation, you know?
Some of you might be scoffing or scratching your heads. It’s o.k. I get that. Sure, on the surface it might look like things are pretty darn solid over here.
I’ve been with the same guy for 21 years, live in the very first house we ever owned, in the same small town I grew up in. I’ve got two healthy kids, a cat, many of the same friends I’ve had since elementary school. I don’t have a criminal record or an addiction. Hell, I don’t even have high blood pressure!
From that vantage point, it seems like a pretty stable, even boring existence, right?
Truth is, I live in the same house, am married to the same guy, and am uber attached to my creature comforts because these things are what keep me sane. If it weren’t for these ‘stabilizing forces’ in my life, I would have drowned in the endless gallons of Butterfly Soup a long time ago.
All you have to do is read a few of my blog posts, like maybe this one, this one, and this one, and read the shit I post on Facebook and Instagram, or maybe be related to me, to know that inside the cozy cocoon I’ve built for myself, stable and boring definitely ain’t where it’s at!
We’ve all seen those Facebook memes to the effect that, ‘Everyone is fighting a battle we may not see’. We all know, or ARE those people who put on a brave face, go out into the world, take care of business, then go home and collapse into their cocoons, a blubbering heap, whimpering, “Make it stop. I can’t do this another day.”
It’s o.k. to admit it! I’ve been that person too. Sometimes, I still am. This is real life. It’s messy shit.
Butterfly Soup IS messy shit… and I am obviously a total sucker for it.
On top of all the crazy twists and turns life offers up on a regular basis, I’m in constant inner examination (turmoil) and personal growth mode. Most days, the inside of my head is like having front row seats to a conversation between Eckhart Tolle, Martha Stewart, Gloria Steinem, some ancient shaman who speaks a language I don’t understand, Ellen DeGeneres, and Voldemort.
I’m always contemplating, shifting, measuring, trying things out and then thinking/feeling, “Nope, this isn’t quite it… it still needs something." So I have to evolve to the next level or I will go mad because my inner voice, the one that talks to you when you’re sitting in a giant puddle of Butterfly Soup, won’t stop needling me until I get to where I’m supposed to be. You know? To the other side of the transformation.
Which I imagine to be a state in supreme alignment with my soul’s calling, when everything will click into perfect rhythm and suddenly, I’ll be done with Butterfly Soup. Hallefreakinglulah! I think.
I know, right? WTF? But seriously, I can’t help myself. It’s like I’m ET, the mother ship is summoning me home, and Butterfly Soup is the alien magic that will get me there!
My constant consumption of Butterfly Soup is partly why I started this blog and a business aimed at helping people feel less alone and more supported in all the sloppy insanity of life.
I know intimately what it’s like to be holed up in a giant vat of Butterfly Soup because that is exactly where I spend the majority of my time! I know it’s scary and uncertain and dark and exhilarating and strangely, grotesquely magical, and that you don’t really know how it’s going to end, but you have a feeling it’s going to be very different and somehow awesome.
Yep, Butterfly Soup is my specialty. There’s no escaping it. So, I guess I better just dive back in and get on with it.